Eavesdroppings.

Guaranteed 99 44/100% verbatim.

Odds and ends, we buy and sell

Location: NYC storefront junk shop. Trinkets, odds and ends.

The proprietors -- let's call them Schecter and Schwartz -- ignoring the customers they have, are sitting around shmoozing & checking the paper for liquidations.

Schecter: What I had for dinner was... a can of Heinz beans, 4 sheets of matzoh and some Del Monte fruit cocktail. It was good. Matzoh never goes out of style. I've got a can-opener, a swing-away. It's better than an electric. My mother gave it to me. I have some can with zip- tops, in case the magnet doesn't catch.
Schwartz: I used to work for Kaiser Aluminium. Also, I used to work for IBM The judge called Shlomowitz... that was funny.
Shecter: He says he got an extension.
Schwartz: Who?
Schecter: Shlomo. He got an extension on account he doesn't want to go in the Israeli army. Your buddy, your buddy downstairs wants him out.
Schwartz: My buddy? He isn't my buddy. He says he's my backup man. I don't need a backup man.
Schecter: ...He found him in a parking lot with the windows closed.
Schwartz: Dead?
Schecter: No, he wasn't dead.

Pause. Points to Schwartz's newspaper.

The guy charges you a quarter for the section?

Schecter

Where you gonna find a quarter? He saves it for me. See this? "M-F-R"

Schwartz

Manufacturer

Schecter

See, I don't know if Louie--

Schwartz

You see this one? Public Auction - Screw Machine Shop...$250.

Schecter

See, the idea Louie-- You know if you're gonna buy it?

Schwartz

This shoe manufacturer's got chairs, a Crockett knitting machine... Two shears... Glass --

Schecter

Oh, that's murder.

Schwartz

That's exercise.

Schecter

Oh, I know this guy -- Harry Figman -- Oh, here, oh hoo hoo hoo! Two utility presses. Col - 6 HP --

Schwartz

I'm going to Stein's. They've got clickers over there. I'm gonna mount one on my truck.

Schecter

Sale Tuesday. It's fixtures. Blindstitch, checkout counters, manikins, hangers, bags, stereo speakers. Hmm. "Chinese restaurant -- Deli..."

Schwartz

Who do you have to know?

Schecter

"A-1 Auctioneers". (Pauses.) Bedroom set - Frederick C. Bacon. Route One, Medford, Long Island. Oh, there's some stuff at the airport. A thousand -- what?

Schwartz

What?

Schecter

Pallet racking. Ivan H. Heller, Robert Blaustein. Electronics. Not much, not much.

Schwartz

I dunno, I dunno.

: You scratching it?
Schecter: I'm not scratching it!
Schwartz: I'll give you a knife. You can cut it off.
Schecter: Two clippers? This job, two clippers, two shears should be worth more than twenty dollars. I'd a' left the cutting handle on. That stuff, that's murder. Someone got a plate. Oh, who? The Chinaman, he's got chains so if you drop something it doesn't break, it catches it. You have a heavy plate, hydraulic, in the truck.

Schwartz gets up to go to the cash register

Schwartz

You have a wallet?

Schecter

I don't like wallets. Eva gave me a wallet. It was wet! She said it was the wet look. See, I'd rather sell wallets than gold watches...

Schwartz

I never seen a gold watch.

Return to Stories I Could Tell

Return to the fabulous Mark Segall FAQ

Return to Apt 3C: The M&M Segall Home Page